Altar faux pas

Over the almost twenty years since my ordination to the diaconate in the Episcopal Church, I have witnessed or been privy to many main altar mishaps and missteps that were seamlessly camouflaged by the altar party who never again spoke of the high altar hijinks that resulted in the worshiping congregants being unaware of near liturgical disasters. I have come to really respect those clerics and vergers who have been able to easily fix what one might think is an obvious error with quiet aplomb and tact.

Here is a listing of some of the boo-boos I have either witnessed or was an active participant in over my years of altar service:

1. Who let the dog out??

At an extremely liberal and progressive parish in which I served , the rector and I were distributing communion during the service.  One of our parishioners, a professional singer, habitually brought her very diminutive dog to church.  The rector usually blessed the dog as we distributed communion: first the bread, then the wine.  The rector presented the bread; we used whole wheat pita; and before I could offer the cup, the singer gave half of the bread to the dog who quickly chomped it and swallowed it down lickety split. Fido was not given the opportunity to slurp the wine...I skipped over them both.

2. Judge the juice:

At that same urban parish we routinely offered non-alcoholic wine or grape juice for our parishioners in recovery or just for those folks who did not drink wine or preferred juice.  We usually put this into a glass chalice so folks knew which one contained a liquid sans spirits. One Sunday I noticed the glass chalice contained an amber colored liquid which I assumed was white grape juice, since I overheard the sacristan saying the purple juice was gone, and he had run out to the local Gristede's to find another bottle.  Imagine my surprise when I was "cleaning up" the altar and began to consume what I thought was white grape juice, only to discover I was gulping down Mott's Apple Juice! 

3. The drowning bee and the swimming horse fly:

a. The first parish I served at was surrounded on three sides by open park land and a cemetery. Sometimes, in the spring and fall, the ushers would open windows and side doors to catch a great cross ventilating breeze.  On two occasions that caused major problems at the altar.  On one occasion, a rather large bumble bee crawled around the altar and rested on the rim of a wine filled chalice. When the altar server rang the bells, it frightened said bee who unceremoniously fell into the filled chalice and after a few horrific moments of insect struggling, drowned in the sherry. As the rector lowered the chalice after the final elevation before distribution of communion, we flicked said dead bee into the sacristy, and distributed communion as usual.

b. Same issue a few weeks later , but his time with a rather large horse fly who dive bombed into the chalice and began doing the beast stroke across its diameter. He continued to do so during the elevation and owing to a slightly deliberate slosh on the celebrant's part, was flicked out the side and took off into the sacred space of the church to bother some sleepy congregant.

4. Bees, again, on the church wall:  

A swarm of bees appeared on the back wall of the Mid-island Church in which I served.  No problem: call the bee keeper and cancel services. This was done, and the bee removal went pretty smoothly.

5. Ants in the ciborium:

Peonies are lovely. Their colors run the spectrum from creamy beige to brilliantly vivid pints, but they come with their own problems: ants. The Sunday flower arrangements of locally harvested peonies were beautiful, but filled with local ants...and not the kind we are related to.  We picked off as many as we could, and passed out the hosts...no one was any wiser.

6. Candle problems: These are legend.

a. My daughter's hair caught on fire in the 1990's fuelled by hair spray and hot wax.  No harm done, a lay reader swatted her head with his prayer book.

b. Exploding candles happen due to leaning candles and drafty churches. I have seen this happen on many occasions, and you can never really tell if and when it happens. Yet when it does, you are almost powerless to stop it.

c. Too close to the flower arrangements results in drying out of flowers and leaves which is easy to deal with. Just pick them off.    On other occasions this resulted in flaming flowers...never a pretty sight. I know of one church where an attempt to light the overhead

Advent Wreath resulted in the whole thing going up in flames....but the fire extinguisher was nearby...no harm done.






So, a sincere and grateful Thank You to those in the altar party: celebrant, acolyte, verger, deacon, reader, who have stepped up to the plate and helped the rest of us avoid Altar Altercations that could have ended in more than embarrassment.