Tell them right now.

A few weeks ago, I was informed that a friend from my past had died, and a memorial service was to be held at one of my former parishes. For several years we had been good friends.  She came over for holiday dinners, went to baseball games with the hubby and kids; took care of the dog when we went on vacation, and drew up our will...she was a lawyer.
As things sometimes happen, we wound up on opposite sides of a rather sticky situation.  We met to talk it out. She presented me with a ultimatum, a caveat, a requirement that she decided  I had to meet in order for our friendship to continue. This caveat was dependent on my relationship with a third party, one she felt she had to protect. I said I would not, and could not do what she insisted I had to do in order to remain in any kind of fellowship. She informed me that our friendship was over and walked out. She chose to sacrifice our friendship for the support of others she felt beholden to.  We never spoke again.
At her funeral, I felt some pangs of guilt, but realized that we all make our choices in life, and sometimes we are not the focal point in the lives of others. People come into and out of our lives.  They do things we like; they do things we hate.  Sometimes we understand why they do what they do, and other times we just don't get it.

This afternoon I attended a memorial service for the son of a parishioner who had committed suicide. This was a man in the prime of his life...44 years old who was trying to reconnect with his son and his son's mother.  His family, especially his father and brother, finally recognized that he was suffering from depression and had attempted to get him some real assistance in dealing with his personal demons.

I had met this man when his Mom died and he arranged her funeral. He was charming and confident.  He handled every detail and was a remarkable presence at her funeral service. He was the rock for the rest of the family.  What happened?

Because of things beyond his control he later felt that he was not living up to his potential; that he could have done things better. His depression made it impossible for him to see that he was loved, honored and respected by many folk who knew him.  The darkness had consumed him so very much that he could not see the brightness he had bought to the lives of family and friends who truly loved and cared for him. Depression is a terrible thing.  I have seen its effects on many friends, acquaintances and family members. The heartache it brings is all consuming.So many people at the memorial service spoke about how his mere presence in their lives made them better people. He should have heard that; I think it would have made a difference in his life.

Wonder what the lesson is here? Don't cut off your nose despite your face.  Don't put restrictions and caveats on friendship.  You will lose in the end.  And, just as important, let those you love and respect know how much you value their presence in your life.