Searching for Ritual

Over the years I have heard many friends and colleagues proudly proclaim," I am very spiritual, but am not religious."  I suspect that say this to me because they know that I am an ordained person who has a religious life that comes with a spirituality grounded in the Christian faith and traditions. Some, I suspect, just want to see what my reaction is, while others seems to be mostly serious about their statements.
A week or so ago, I read an interview piece written about Oprah Winfrey who spoke about her religious life as it was influenced by her Baptist upbringing and her use of Buddhist inspired meditative techniques. I certainly have no quarrel with either of these and am happy to admit that I have learned quite a bit about calming my body and soul using breathing processes learned at a seminary while taking a course on cross-denominational meditation.  I even adapted some of these ideas in my teaching practices to help my students center their attention on learning and calming their post-lunchtime rambunctiousness.
And just personally spending time observing the social, political and corporate responses to events and causes, has resulted in a personal realization that our current social order is literally crying out for ritual with which to seek meaning out of events that speak to the very souls of those involved.  People are looking for appropriate ways to respond to both moments of elation and excitement and moments of disappointment and despair.
One way folks demonstrate their anger and frustration is to carry placards and hold marches to draw attention to their cause.  I, myself, have taken part in numerous marches and demonstrations for cases as diverse as reproductive rights for women to a sunset demonstration at the mayor's residence  demanding higher wages for city workers. There have been numerous times I have heard some one or another begin the ever present chant:
                   "What do we want? ( fill in the blank) When do we want it? Now!"
Poppies became a symbol of support for the wounded veterans of the Great War. It began in1923 when the Veterans of Foreign Wars paid disabled veterans to make "Buddy Poppies" and then sold them to the public around Veteran's Day.  This was inspired by the poem by Major john McCrea, a Canadian physician who gave his life in World War I.  He wrote:

"In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,"

My Father, a disabled Veteran of World War II, always bought poppies from the VFW, and kept one always in his car on the sun visor.

Nowadays, folks seek ritual in buying various colored ribbons in support of various causes: pink to support breast cancer awareness, puzzle piece ribbon to support those who are on the autism spectrum; red ribbon in support of AIDS research, violet ribbons support Hodgkins Lymphoma research, and green ribbons indicate several causes including supporting more research on celiac's disease, Lyme's disease, kidney cancer and Tourette's syndrome. I truly hope that all of the people I see with these various ribbons on, have, in fact, make a financial donation in support of those who do the day to day laboratory work in fighting these diseases and syndromes.
Another favorite ritual among the at least the American public is "The Walk".  A participant collects money from friends and relations who pay them a certain amount of money for every lap, mile  or circuit they walk.  In the past six months I have seen requests for participants raising money for breast cancer research, autism awareness, birth defects, and  AIDS research. These events galvanize individuals around a worthy cause for a day long event. They certainly make the participants feel good about themselves while raising much needed funds for these charities. They happen only one time in a year, and are often out of mind at other times.
At other times there will be a candlelight vigil.  This happens often as a remembrance of an unfortunate event, such as the violent death of an individual or the anniversary of a horrific natural disaster, both of which have happened in our community. People march along the shoreline or to the site of the incident carrying lighted candles and place them on the spot of remembrance. Again, this is usually a once a year event with no real follow-up or support for those left behind.
But ritual does not have to be that way.
Ritual can have form, function and future.  It can come form a deeply rooted history of spiritual support and communal understanding. And we saw it in action the last Sunday in October at Christ Church in New Brighton at our second Rite 13 celebration. It is part of the Sunday School curriculum for Journey to Adulthood or J2A, as it is called. Three members of the congregation who have reached their thirteenth birthday or will before the year is up, are recognized for their eminent passage form childhood to young adulthood and are given a special blessing and a firm commitment from their families, friends and congregation members who promise to uphold them and support them during this transitional time in their lives. It does not replace Confirmation, one of the seven sacraments that confers adult responsibilities on members.  It is a step in the process of making a deliberate decision to become full participating members in the body of Christ with Confirmation at a later time when an adult decision can be made by the individual, not his or her parents or guardians. Here is a ritual that binds all members of this congregation together creating a support network for all of our young people supporting them in their maturing into adulthood and on their faith journey. It is, indeed, a serious responsibility for all.









I Can't Believe You Said That.

I am always amazed by some of the things perfectly, well seemingly, normal people say at various times and in various situations. These usually occur at times that seem to mark life events, and from people you may normally think of as folks like the rest of us, who for some reason let their guard down when their curiosity seems to take over their earthly bodies, and they say stuff that you just can't believe.


My thoughts, when I am caught in the headlights of their ignorant or intrusive questions, attempt to formulate an appropriate response to questions that remain better off unspoken. Normally, I just fail miserably, but over the past week I have discovered a template that can be used to both diffuse and halt any further inappropriate questions.


While doing some research for a class I was teaching, I came across a video by a gentleman named Dan O'Conner.  He proposed four statements that could be used in various situations in which you might want to either diffuse or just buy some time before you respond.  They all begin with the same phrase: "That's interesting...", and continue as follows:

• "Tell me more..."
• Why would you say that?"
• Why would you do that?"
• Why would you ask that?"

In my time as a union rep at my place of employment, I often had to interact with colleagues who obviously were not too happy with their assignments.   As I worked in a secondary school, most of us had an academic area in which we held certification, and in which we were expected to teach.  We taught, as a former Assistant Principal of mine explained, all of the children who sat before us; some of whom were better prepared than others.  We met them where they were academically and moved them as far ahead as humanly possible in one academic year. Whining was understandable, but after a good whine, one got on with the work to be done.




 Occasionally, some problems arose because a teacher was not happy with the caliber of student in the class or the grade level to which they were assigned.  There was not much I could do, but I should have said "That's interesting. Tell me more." That would have given them some time to vent it out, and hopefully reach their own inevitable conclusion that as professionals we had to work with all the children in front of us.  After all, they are someone's child who is cared for and loved.


Recently I was at a wedding for a friend's daughter.  It was a lovely affair, and it made me think of another wedding recently where I was asked:" Well, you are a widow now. Does that mean your money gift to the bride and groom is half as much as when your husband was alive?" To say I was speechless is an understatement.  I sort of smiled and excused myself.  Perhaps I should have said:     "That's interesting.  Why would you say that?"




As an ordained Episcopal deacon I often speak to folks who are experiencing a challenge to their faith.  Perhaps a spouse or partner has died young or deserted them. Other times children have left the church and parents feel they have failed and are too embarrassed to return to the congregation thinking that others will think ill of them. Or a beloved spiritual leader has left their position in the community by choice or not and members who felt the presence of that leader as personal muse or spiritual director feel abandoned and without direction. For these people returning to the physical space is personally painful, so they stay away becoming isolated by choice.  I never knew what to say, but now I think this would work: "That's interesting. Why would you do that?"


This past week I attended the wake and funeral of a dear man of 93, an educator and musician who was the father of a dear friend.  He lived a full and glorious life and will be missed by many in our community.  At his wake, I ran into a decidedly older woman who knew him for more than fifty years.  She spoke of their professional relationship. She spoke of how she and her husband spent time with the deceased and his late wife. I was happy to be able to listen...then the bomb came: " What do you think they will do with the house?" she asked.  I was speechless. I heard myself babbling along. I really should have said: "That's interesting.  Why would you ask that?


Now  I know that I have a litany of questions I can use to get myself out of difficult situations. You can also be my guest using these statements when you need them.  Just don't be surprised at the responses you get.


Here is the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5RknemM8Hw

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.....

When I am driving around in my car or before I finally doze off of an evening, I am listening to Nation Public Radio often referred to as NPR. I like it better than listening to music because I often learn new and interesting things, but, not so today. Today I heard a boat load of poor excuses about why it is unfair for schools to have dress codes. And just so you don't think it is only the students who are upset with dress codes, all of the call-ins from today's show came from parents...mostly mothers who were adamant that dress codes were discriminating against their daughters.

It seems that in several New Jersey school districts the intermediate and high schools have dress codes that the moms feel are harder on the girls than on the boys. The boys are not allowed to wear saggy, baggy pants, oversized tee shirts, sleeveless tee-shirts, and baseball hats perched backwards on the head. In the intermediate school in which I taught, all hats, except those for religious purposes, were banned, but that was New York City, and we had some gang related issues going on.

The suburban girls, on the other hand, are banned from wearing spaghetti strapped tee shirts, very short Nike shorts, except for gym, anything that reveals underwear, and any other item deemed "too provocative". FYI: "provocative" is determined by the school administration. Several of the school districts have cited that the boys become distracted by what the girls are wearing. The moms propose that this is insulting to the boys since it is assumed that they cannot control themselves. I have to say I agree with Mom on this statement.  How are we raising our sons if we assume they are easily distracted from important work? School Districts...listen up; that excuse is bupkis.

Now I went to a high school that was all female, and we had uniforms. So my perception of a "dress code" is slightly skewered. But I think I would err on the side of the school administration. Teaching adolescents and pre-adolescents is quite a roller-coaster ride. There has to be someplace that our children can go to where they learn acceptable behaviors.  It was once said that "clothes make the man", and that is still true today as it also makes the successful woman.

And I understand that the moms have their excuse. Such as:

1. There are slim pickin's at the mall when it comes to teenagers and clothing.  Most of the styles mimic what is seen in the mass media, and what is worn by their role models...if you want to call Miley Cyrus  or Kendall Jenner a desirable role model for your child.

2. The kids need to be accepted by their peers, so they have to dress like everyone else who also shops at the mall.

3. The parents don't want to say "NO" to their children.

4. The children will figure out a way to wear the "school offensive" clothing anyway, so it is just better to buy it for them so they don't have to sneak around. Not sure I get this one.

5. The moms want the children to always feel good about themselves and have no negativity in school. Sorry, Moms...it is school...sometimes kids need two or three explanations before they "get it". We all learn differently.

And yet, there are other times when parents become upset about things that they perceived as just plain wrong....some of these things would fall into their category above.  You know, just fashion.

This afternoon there appeared an interesting headline in my local newspaper: " 'Boo-Bees' tee causing a real buzz".
It seems that a local shop owner and her nineteen year old daughter designed this orange tee shirt with strategically placed bees on the front for Halloween. They sold all of their limited stock of 28 tee-shirts in record time. Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, they decided to run a new batch of "Boo-Bees" in pink to sell at the local Breast Cancer Awareness Walk this Sunday as a fund raiser for cancer research. Sounds not so bad, right? 

Well, the shop in which these are featured is a clothing store aimed at pre-teens.  Some local parents are in a tizzy over the "inappropriateness" of this garment. I am currently wondering on which side of the dress code issue these folks would sit.


My favorite quote is from the store owner who reportedly said, "If you don't like the shirt, don't buy it for your daughter. I'm not grabbing you by the neck and throwing you in the store." Kind of like her own excuse?


Now, I understand how difficult it is to find age appropriate clothing for girls in intermediate and high school to wear to school that are both functional and comfortable.  Perhaps pressure needs to be put on manufacturers and not the schools who are trying to deal with this dilemma or fashion versus function.




I guess everyone has an excuse or two about teen fashion.

Where has the time gone?

It's that time of year when the days are getting shorter, the nights longer, the day sky bluer, the evening sky darker, and at sunrise one can see the Morning Star, Venus, hanging near the new moon as it rides away before the exploding reds and orange of dawning day. And it is that time of year that reminds me that I ain't gettin' any younger.




And it's not just the changing season that is reminding me.  I have been receiving invitations to the weddings for the children of friends and relations far and wide.  The kinder still look like pre-teens to me, but most are young professionals in their late twenties and early thirties who have established themselves in fulfilling jobs and are now rather independent adults. Some of them, including several of my own offspring, have advanced to the stage of buying homes and having children of their own. 


Wait...When did this happen?  Wasn't it last week that they were taking swim classes and dance lessons?  Wasn't it yesterday when they were deciding on a college to attend?  Where did the time go? Well...time marched on, and we all went with it.




And time provides us with quite a ride.  It takes you to unexpected places with interesting twists and turns. You take a job; you rent an apartment; you marry or not; you buy a house or two in your journey; you take a new job or promotion; you move or stay. Family and friends marry or not; some marry more than once. Some may remain single by choice or chance. Some become single again due to a death or divorce. Several move away; you loose touch. Children move out. They marry or not.You downsize. Time continues to roll by you.




Soon you are at the age of retirement.  If able to make that step, you either embrace it or hate it. It is better to embrace and like it; you earned it. Use your retirement to explore and do new things.And time continues to fly by.




Winter will soon be upon us yet again.  Yet it does not remind me so much of the passage of time as does the Fall. Perhaps it is watching the falling leaves in my neighborhood that makes the passage of time all the more visible.




Winter brings its own joys: holiday time with those we hold dear; a feeling of general goodwill across the city. Holiday lights and parties abound and keep us active throughout the cold of December and January.




And time moves forward, and we do too, at least for the time being.


For another take on time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnZdlhUDEJo