I Can't Believe You Said That.

I am always amazed by some of the things perfectly, well seemingly, normal people say at various times and in various situations. These usually occur at times that seem to mark life events, and from people you may normally think of as folks like the rest of us, who for some reason let their guard down when their curiosity seems to take over their earthly bodies, and they say stuff that you just can't believe.


My thoughts, when I am caught in the headlights of their ignorant or intrusive questions, attempt to formulate an appropriate response to questions that remain better off unspoken. Normally, I just fail miserably, but over the past week I have discovered a template that can be used to both diffuse and halt any further inappropriate questions.


While doing some research for a class I was teaching, I came across a video by a gentleman named Dan O'Conner.  He proposed four statements that could be used in various situations in which you might want to either diffuse or just buy some time before you respond.  They all begin with the same phrase: "That's interesting...", and continue as follows:

• "Tell me more..."
• Why would you say that?"
• Why would you do that?"
• Why would you ask that?"

In my time as a union rep at my place of employment, I often had to interact with colleagues who obviously were not too happy with their assignments.   As I worked in a secondary school, most of us had an academic area in which we held certification, and in which we were expected to teach.  We taught, as a former Assistant Principal of mine explained, all of the children who sat before us; some of whom were better prepared than others.  We met them where they were academically and moved them as far ahead as humanly possible in one academic year. Whining was understandable, but after a good whine, one got on with the work to be done.




 Occasionally, some problems arose because a teacher was not happy with the caliber of student in the class or the grade level to which they were assigned.  There was not much I could do, but I should have said "That's interesting. Tell me more." That would have given them some time to vent it out, and hopefully reach their own inevitable conclusion that as professionals we had to work with all the children in front of us.  After all, they are someone's child who is cared for and loved.


Recently I was at a wedding for a friend's daughter.  It was a lovely affair, and it made me think of another wedding recently where I was asked:" Well, you are a widow now. Does that mean your money gift to the bride and groom is half as much as when your husband was alive?" To say I was speechless is an understatement.  I sort of smiled and excused myself.  Perhaps I should have said:     "That's interesting.  Why would you say that?"




As an ordained Episcopal deacon I often speak to folks who are experiencing a challenge to their faith.  Perhaps a spouse or partner has died young or deserted them. Other times children have left the church and parents feel they have failed and are too embarrassed to return to the congregation thinking that others will think ill of them. Or a beloved spiritual leader has left their position in the community by choice or not and members who felt the presence of that leader as personal muse or spiritual director feel abandoned and without direction. For these people returning to the physical space is personally painful, so they stay away becoming isolated by choice.  I never knew what to say, but now I think this would work: "That's interesting. Why would you do that?"


This past week I attended the wake and funeral of a dear man of 93, an educator and musician who was the father of a dear friend.  He lived a full and glorious life and will be missed by many in our community.  At his wake, I ran into a decidedly older woman who knew him for more than fifty years.  She spoke of their professional relationship. She spoke of how she and her husband spent time with the deceased and his late wife. I was happy to be able to listen...then the bomb came: " What do you think they will do with the house?" she asked.  I was speechless. I heard myself babbling along. I really should have said: "That's interesting.  Why would you ask that?


Now  I know that I have a litany of questions I can use to get myself out of difficult situations. You can also be my guest using these statements when you need them.  Just don't be surprised at the responses you get.


Here is the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5RknemM8Hw