I Can't Believe You Said That.

I am always amazed by some of the things perfectly, well seemingly, normal people say at various times and in various situations. These usually occur at times that seem to mark life events, and from people you may normally think of as folks like the rest of us, who for some reason let their guard down when their curiosity seems to take over their earthly bodies, and they say stuff that you just can't believe.


My thoughts, when I am caught in the headlights of their ignorant or intrusive questions, attempt to formulate an appropriate response to questions that remain better off unspoken. Normally, I just fail miserably, but over the past week I have discovered a template that can be used to both diffuse and halt any further inappropriate questions.


While doing some research for a class I was teaching, I came across a video by a gentleman named Dan O'Conner.  He proposed four statements that could be used in various situations in which you might want to either diffuse or just buy some time before you respond.  They all begin with the same phrase: "That's interesting...", and continue as follows:

• "Tell me more..."
• Why would you say that?"
• Why would you do that?"
• Why would you ask that?"

In my time as a union rep at my place of employment, I often had to interact with colleagues who obviously were not too happy with their assignments.   As I worked in a secondary school, most of us had an academic area in which we held certification, and in which we were expected to teach.  We taught, as a former Assistant Principal of mine explained, all of the children who sat before us; some of whom were better prepared than others.  We met them where they were academically and moved them as far ahead as humanly possible in one academic year. Whining was understandable, but after a good whine, one got on with the work to be done.




 Occasionally, some problems arose because a teacher was not happy with the caliber of student in the class or the grade level to which they were assigned.  There was not much I could do, but I should have said "That's interesting. Tell me more." That would have given them some time to vent it out, and hopefully reach their own inevitable conclusion that as professionals we had to work with all the children in front of us.  After all, they are someone's child who is cared for and loved.


Recently I was at a wedding for a friend's daughter.  It was a lovely affair, and it made me think of another wedding recently where I was asked:" Well, you are a widow now. Does that mean your money gift to the bride and groom is half as much as when your husband was alive?" To say I was speechless is an understatement.  I sort of smiled and excused myself.  Perhaps I should have said:     "That's interesting.  Why would you say that?"




As an ordained Episcopal deacon I often speak to folks who are experiencing a challenge to their faith.  Perhaps a spouse or partner has died young or deserted them. Other times children have left the church and parents feel they have failed and are too embarrassed to return to the congregation thinking that others will think ill of them. Or a beloved spiritual leader has left their position in the community by choice or not and members who felt the presence of that leader as personal muse or spiritual director feel abandoned and without direction. For these people returning to the physical space is personally painful, so they stay away becoming isolated by choice.  I never knew what to say, but now I think this would work: "That's interesting. Why would you do that?"


This past week I attended the wake and funeral of a dear man of 93, an educator and musician who was the father of a dear friend.  He lived a full and glorious life and will be missed by many in our community.  At his wake, I ran into a decidedly older woman who knew him for more than fifty years.  She spoke of their professional relationship. She spoke of how she and her husband spent time with the deceased and his late wife. I was happy to be able to listen...then the bomb came: " What do you think they will do with the house?" she asked.  I was speechless. I heard myself babbling along. I really should have said: "That's interesting.  Why would you ask that?


Now  I know that I have a litany of questions I can use to get myself out of difficult situations. You can also be my guest using these statements when you need them.  Just don't be surprised at the responses you get.


Here is the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5RknemM8Hw

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.....

When I am driving around in my car or before I finally doze off of an evening, I am listening to Nation Public Radio often referred to as NPR. I like it better than listening to music because I often learn new and interesting things, but, not so today. Today I heard a boat load of poor excuses about why it is unfair for schools to have dress codes. And just so you don't think it is only the students who are upset with dress codes, all of the call-ins from today's show came from parents...mostly mothers who were adamant that dress codes were discriminating against their daughters.

It seems that in several New Jersey school districts the intermediate and high schools have dress codes that the moms feel are harder on the girls than on the boys. The boys are not allowed to wear saggy, baggy pants, oversized tee shirts, sleeveless tee-shirts, and baseball hats perched backwards on the head. In the intermediate school in which I taught, all hats, except those for religious purposes, were banned, but that was New York City, and we had some gang related issues going on.

The suburban girls, on the other hand, are banned from wearing spaghetti strapped tee shirts, very short Nike shorts, except for gym, anything that reveals underwear, and any other item deemed "too provocative". FYI: "provocative" is determined by the school administration. Several of the school districts have cited that the boys become distracted by what the girls are wearing. The moms propose that this is insulting to the boys since it is assumed that they cannot control themselves. I have to say I agree with Mom on this statement.  How are we raising our sons if we assume they are easily distracted from important work? School Districts...listen up; that excuse is bupkis.

Now I went to a high school that was all female, and we had uniforms. So my perception of a "dress code" is slightly skewered. But I think I would err on the side of the school administration. Teaching adolescents and pre-adolescents is quite a roller-coaster ride. There has to be someplace that our children can go to where they learn acceptable behaviors.  It was once said that "clothes make the man", and that is still true today as it also makes the successful woman.

And I understand that the moms have their excuse. Such as:

1. There are slim pickin's at the mall when it comes to teenagers and clothing.  Most of the styles mimic what is seen in the mass media, and what is worn by their role models...if you want to call Miley Cyrus  or Kendall Jenner a desirable role model for your child.

2. The kids need to be accepted by their peers, so they have to dress like everyone else who also shops at the mall.

3. The parents don't want to say "NO" to their children.

4. The children will figure out a way to wear the "school offensive" clothing anyway, so it is just better to buy it for them so they don't have to sneak around. Not sure I get this one.

5. The moms want the children to always feel good about themselves and have no negativity in school. Sorry, Moms...it is school...sometimes kids need two or three explanations before they "get it". We all learn differently.

And yet, there are other times when parents become upset about things that they perceived as just plain wrong....some of these things would fall into their category above.  You know, just fashion.

This afternoon there appeared an interesting headline in my local newspaper: " 'Boo-Bees' tee causing a real buzz".
It seems that a local shop owner and her nineteen year old daughter designed this orange tee shirt with strategically placed bees on the front for Halloween. They sold all of their limited stock of 28 tee-shirts in record time. Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, they decided to run a new batch of "Boo-Bees" in pink to sell at the local Breast Cancer Awareness Walk this Sunday as a fund raiser for cancer research. Sounds not so bad, right? 

Well, the shop in which these are featured is a clothing store aimed at pre-teens.  Some local parents are in a tizzy over the "inappropriateness" of this garment. I am currently wondering on which side of the dress code issue these folks would sit.


My favorite quote is from the store owner who reportedly said, "If you don't like the shirt, don't buy it for your daughter. I'm not grabbing you by the neck and throwing you in the store." Kind of like her own excuse?


Now, I understand how difficult it is to find age appropriate clothing for girls in intermediate and high school to wear to school that are both functional and comfortable.  Perhaps pressure needs to be put on manufacturers and not the schools who are trying to deal with this dilemma or fashion versus function.




I guess everyone has an excuse or two about teen fashion.

Where has the time gone?

It's that time of year when the days are getting shorter, the nights longer, the day sky bluer, the evening sky darker, and at sunrise one can see the Morning Star, Venus, hanging near the new moon as it rides away before the exploding reds and orange of dawning day. And it is that time of year that reminds me that I ain't gettin' any younger.




And it's not just the changing season that is reminding me.  I have been receiving invitations to the weddings for the children of friends and relations far and wide.  The kinder still look like pre-teens to me, but most are young professionals in their late twenties and early thirties who have established themselves in fulfilling jobs and are now rather independent adults. Some of them, including several of my own offspring, have advanced to the stage of buying homes and having children of their own. 


Wait...When did this happen?  Wasn't it last week that they were taking swim classes and dance lessons?  Wasn't it yesterday when they were deciding on a college to attend?  Where did the time go? Well...time marched on, and we all went with it.




And time provides us with quite a ride.  It takes you to unexpected places with interesting twists and turns. You take a job; you rent an apartment; you marry or not; you buy a house or two in your journey; you take a new job or promotion; you move or stay. Family and friends marry or not; some marry more than once. Some may remain single by choice or chance. Some become single again due to a death or divorce. Several move away; you loose touch. Children move out. They marry or not.You downsize. Time continues to roll by you.




Soon you are at the age of retirement.  If able to make that step, you either embrace it or hate it. It is better to embrace and like it; you earned it. Use your retirement to explore and do new things.And time continues to fly by.




Winter will soon be upon us yet again.  Yet it does not remind me so much of the passage of time as does the Fall. Perhaps it is watching the falling leaves in my neighborhood that makes the passage of time all the more visible.




Winter brings its own joys: holiday time with those we hold dear; a feeling of general goodwill across the city. Holiday lights and parties abound and keep us active throughout the cold of December and January.




And time moves forward, and we do too, at least for the time being.


For another take on time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnZdlhUDEJo

Francis flip-flop

New York in particular, and the USA in general, has just spent a week in full papal sighting mode. Friends working and living in Manhattan who normally complain about the closure of streets and tightened security for Presidential or other diplomatic sojourns, were literally gushing poetic about Pope Francis I and his visit to our fair city.






New York is not new to papal events, John Paul II and Paul VI both came to our town.
Back in my high school days, Paul VI's arrival at JFK International Airport had all of the Catholic High School students, and several elementary schools with in the Diocese of Brooklyn lined up on the Van Wyck Expressway waving and enjoying a day without classes. For those of you from out of town...New York City is divided into two dioceses in both the Episcopal Church and the Roman Catholic Church...this is because Brooklyn and Queens were part of the City of Brooklyn until the city was united into one municipality on January 1, 1898. The Brooklyn Bridge was the symbolic point of that union as the mayors of both cities strode to the middle and shook hands. When one lands at JFK, one is in either the Diocese of Brooklyn...Roman Catholic, or the Diocese of Long Island...Episcopal.  Manhattan, the Bronx, Staten Island and assorted counties north of the city are in either the Archdiocese of New York ( RC) or the Episcopal Diocese of New York(self explanatory).
So Francis straddled two separate dioceses with two separate sets of clergy in his visit to my home town.






Francis had several special New York moments: he addressed the United Nations; he visited a Roman Catholic Elementary School in Spanish Harlem, he drove through Central Park and waved to thousands, and finally, he said Mass at Madison Square Garden, a venue that has seen its share of famous personages from Bruce Springsteen and George Harrison to the L.A. Lakers. Roman Catholic parishes had lotteries for tickets, as did the city of New York and St. John's University, one of the largest Catholic universities in the nation.


The Pontiff spoke in both English and Spanish...depending on his audience.  The best news coverage was really on Telemundo, the Spanish language network, and his Spanish, I must say, was impeccably Latin American, which was good for me since I am trying to master the language before a trip to Cuba in February...I think I should thank Il Papa for easing my way into Havana, but I digress.






Everyone loved him, until today....






It seems the Pope had a brief meeting with Kim Davis, the Rowan, Kentucky county clerk, who was recently jailed for refusing to issue a marriage license to a gay couple in violation of
the Supreme Court decision that made same-sex marriage legal in all fifty states. This is, of course, a 'hot button' political issue for many in the media. This evening many in the media who previously gushed and swooned over the Pontiff and his entourage, are now weeping and wailing over their disappointment over this perceived slap in the communal US face. And even though I personally agree with the Supreme Court, I can certainly understand that Francis has the freedom to meet with whomever he chooses during his personal 'down time'.




Just to remind everyone out there: Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners; he performed miracles on the Sabbath; he interacted with women and Samaritans; he threw the money changers and sacrificial salesmen out of the temple; he rattled the cages of the Pharisees and Sadducees; he cured Gentiles; he had a radical ministry.




So, what do we have here?  A Pope who is doing what a pope is supposed to do.  Stop framing his actions with your personal political agenda...he answers to a different authority.  Can we just respect that, even if we do not agree with his decision on this one?

The art of waiting

Over this past week I experienced the need to learn how to graciously and patiently wait for something.  During a routine medical exam, I was told I needed to have a CAT scan done because something did "not look good". Humm...what does that mean? I wondered to myself, but not quite out loud.  I waited with batted breath as the Physician's Assistant handed me a prescription and told me I should call as soon as I got home and make an appointment which is what I did. And, oh, I needed to know that they would only call me if I had to come in.  If everything was okay, I would get NO CALL!
Then I did something I often do when I am in a medically induced state of confusion, I called my sister. 
Now, you may wonder why I did that.  She happens to be an independent contractor who advoctes for orphan drugs and has a plethora of contacts in the medical field not only in the US and Canada, but also abroad.  I called her when a colleague's niece had a balance problem and was later admitted into a trial study at Columbia-Presbyterian that enabled her to have a normal life.  I also contacted her when a friend's granddaughter who lived in Switzerland, was diagnosed with a rare disorder.  She hooked them up with a doctor in Europe who helped this girl who was only 12 at the time, live a normal and healthy life.  I understand she recently graduated from college. My sister, of course, had a list of specialists for me to call if necessary. She also encouraged me to request copies of my prior test results which I did as soon as I walked into the lab to have the second test.
After the test, and while sitting in the car, I read the results of the first test...not that I had any idea of what I was reading. One thing I know after twenty-five years in the education game is that all professional fields have their own professional jargon, and only the insiders actually understand the gobbledygook. But we also have the internet now to help us become even more confused.
Talk about too much information!  I was more confused than ever. Take my advice here: don't get bogged down on the internet.  You will only wind up more confused than ever.
The one practical thing I did was make an appointment with my doctor to renew some prescriptions and to go over the test results...all of which I had sent to him.

Anglican Prayer Beads

The two things that kept me centered during that time was meditation and prayer. I have been practicing meditation in one form or another for several years now since taking a course on meditative practices at General Seminary.  And recently I received a gift of Anglican Prayer Beads from the Youth Group at my parish in New York.  Similar to a rosary, but not as Marian centered, the repetitiveness of the prayer cycles had a calming effect and brought clarity to my jumpy mind.

And in the end...everything was fine. Just have to have one more follow up in six months.  My primary care doctor, who has been my doctor for around twenty five years, put my mind at ease and chastised me a bit for trying my hand at self-diagnosis.

Oh, the office that insisted I get the tests?  They never called.

Ephesians

In my various travels, I have had the privilege of visiting the ancient city of Ephesus located near Izmir in Turkey near the Mediterranean Sea. It was built in the 10th century by Greek colonists. During the Greek era it was one of the twelve cities of the Ionian League. The city flourished after it came under the control of Rome in 129 BC. Ephesus had an estimated population of 33,600 to 56,000 people in the Roman period, making it the third largest city of Roman Asia. This number was deduced from the number of seats in the amphitheater and public latrines that were uncovered during recent excavations.                                      

Temple of Artemis at Ephesus

The city was known for the Temple of Artemis one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. It was destroyed in 268 AD by invading hordes of Goths. Today one of its pillars and pieces of a carved frieze remain, other pieces are either at the Archeological Museum at Istanbul or in that institution holding many pilfered items, the British Museum in London…You can see the Rosetta Stone, Cleopatra’s sarcophagus and huge pieces from the Parthenon from Athens, and they have no intention of returning any of it, but I digress.

Only 15% of the entire Ephesus archeological site has been excavated, but even as it is, in this incomplete state, it holds much significance for Christians. Ephesus was one of the seven churches of Asia that are cited in the Book of Revelation. The Gospel of John may have been written here. 

Mary's House Ephesus

A few miles from the archeological site is a lovely stone house said to be the house in which Mary, the mother of Jesus, lived as she was being cared for by St John the Evangelist. It has become a place of pilgrimage for many Christians who leave prayer requests stuck in a wall as you leave the property. I am not sure of the validity of Mary’s place, but I understand three  recent Roman Catholic popes have visited it…which does give it its own special kind of imprimatur.

The most interesting Christian resident of Ephesus has to be St Paul, the author of the letter which we have been reading throughout the summer. Paul was born in Tarsus also located in modern day Turkey but closer to Syria along the Mediterranean coast. While living in Ephesus Paul worked at his craft, he was a tent maker by trade, and proclaimed the good news of Jesus Christ, a pastime that got him into trouble with the local statue makers who depended upon the cult of Artemis for a living.  They made good money selling various sized statues of Artemis to locals and tourists who come to the massive temple dedicated to Artemis.  He was prevented from speaking at the amphitheater there by a rowdy crowd of artisans who were Artemis fans, and he later spent some time in the local pokey for his outspokenness.

Paul wrote his letter to the Corinthians while in Ephesus; this letter was written while he was imprisoned in Rome. The gist of this letter is rather general in tone. Many biblical scholars feel the pervading theme of this work is the Church as the Body of Christ. I think my favorite description of this letter is from the New Testament scholar Daniel Wallace, who pragmatically stated it as “Christians, get along with each other!”

Additionally, I was struck by the 17^th through 20 verses that say:

” be filled with the Spirit, as you sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, singing and making melody to the Lord in your hearts, giving thanks to God the Father at all times and for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

This passed Thursday I shared with my boss the various encounters I had commuting by ferry and subway to downtown Brooklyn:

 A mother and daughter arguing on the boat about the suitability of both her boyfriend and the girlfriend of a non-present brother/son.

“You’re always criticizing me! You never criticize him!”, the daughter shouted and pouted as she banged her fist on the seat.

“I am concerned about you making bad choices.”, the Mom replied with a furrowed brow.

My next encounter was with an elderly man with whom I shared the elevator at the Court Street subway station who began singing an improv'd riff on a well-known children’s hymn: “Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves you!”

My boss told me that I had to think of these encounters as a sign from heaven; I thought about it, and so I did.

I began to think of it in the context of Deacon Novella’s sermon last week in which she spoke about the cycle of loss and the all too easy way of dealing with loss by attacking each other, and the upcoming Vacation Bible School, making them mental book ends for continued contemplation.

I know that we are in the midst of change, change we did not want or expect, and many are unable to see the road we are on, let alone trying to get the road map.  There is no road map. This is frightening and scary to be walking into the unknown, but we can do this if we work with each other, depending on the gifts we all bring here working together as the body of Christ.

I know that next week when Vacation Bible School is being held, this space will be filed with moments of laughter, moments of joy and many moments of children singing and making melody to the Lord, not just in their hearts, but with their voices.

Let us pray that their joy-filled spirit can help us at this time of unanticipated change; that all of us can and will everyday give thanks to the Father for everything that was done for us in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ.  AMEN

 

 

 

Selfies and Stickies

Over the past few weeks I have seen many, many folks taking self portraits with their electronic devices. Most of these are with cell phones, those ubiquitous  individual, hand-held communication devices that have become the bane of our existence. They contain the phone numbers of our closest friends and acquaintances, as well as business partners and co-workers. We use them as alarm clocks, watches and locating maps to assist with driving directions.  We can check on our baby sitters, review our portfolios, check our daily walking mileage, send silly personal text messages, or review e-mail. These objects can remind us to pick up our dry cleaning, assist in ordering take out, and help one to purchase anything from a hot latte to a baby grand piano, and we can do this all on a screen that fits into the palm of our hand. Who ever dreamed that this would be possible even ten years ago?


But this sudden craze of constantly taking photographs of oneself at all sorts of places and at all times is more than annoying.
As I live in a town that is a tourist magnet, it has become almost impossible to avoid visitors who are wont to stop indiscriminately along highways and byways to snap a shot of themselves with a landmark or two. Stopping in front of St Paul's Chapel on Broadway, halting traffic in the theater district to get a photo of oneself and Sponge Bob, tipping the Staten Island Ferry precariously to the port side to make sure every tourist on board gets a self photo with Lady Liberty, these are just a few of the more annoying "selfie" moments I have personally witnessed.




And oh, those clueless visitors with those stick things that they swing around in extremely unsafe fashion in galleries and on broad avenues. I recently witnessed an Italian gentleman actually talking into his cell phone whilst it was in that sticky thing taking a personal call and stopping all foot traffic in a major tourist attraction. The end of that stick was swinging back and forth as he walked and talked and attempted to dodge other tourists in his way.  He had men, women and children of many nationalities scurrying for safety in the overwhelming heat and blistering summer sun.


I have heard that many major museums both here and abroad have outlawed these obnoxious extensions....bravo to them!


I understand that a restaurant chain in Manhattan did a study comparing the time needed to serve customers in our present time and ten years ago.  It actually took 35% longer to seat, serve and bus tables because customers were busy taking photos of the menus, the food and themselves eating what they were served. Narcissism at its best.




So, I guess you might say I am not a big fan of these "selfies" and "stickies"...if you are taking up valuable time taking picurtes of yourself in front of...you fill it in: the Empire State Building, the Eiffle Tower, the  Tower of London, the Hagia Sophia, the Sphinx, the White House, or the Brooklyn Bridge, you have missed the time to actually appreciate the place for what it is instead of a background for self-indulgence.